Miracles

A miracle has happened. Russ and I were able to finally break through our communication barriers and discuss our life, our problems, our wants and needs. He is coming home. For the first time I look to the future with hope and confidence. I'm not sure why we had to go through such agonizing heartbreak to the brink of no return before we could reach the place where we were ready. I just wish now that he would hurry home as we have wasted so much time.

Uncertainty and Truth

Well, where to start. Life continues to be a roller coaster ride and I have motion sickness. That probably sums it up the best. Being positive and knowing the best way to handle things doesn't always mean that you will maintain that positive attitude and make the best decisions.

I am drowning in a pool of uncertainty and struggle with whether I have made the right or best decisions. My hearts says I love him and I can't seem to live without him in my life. I miss his voice, his smile (those dimples), his touch. Is it too late? He has found someone else and has started a relationship with her that seems very intimate. Yet, when we talk he seems so unhappy and says he misses our life. Am I a fool? I do know I am confused and completely miserable and falling apart.

What is the truth? There is my truth, his truth and the truth others see when they look in. I wish someone could look into a mirror of the future and tell me what truth now will lead to happiness for us both? Is his happiness with her? Where is my happiness? I want it to be with him, but it never seemed he wanted it to be with me. I just want truth, honesty and openness. Does it hurt so much very worse to be honest??? I value that over all else. It hurts less in the end.

Which color is your aura?

Which color is your aura?

My result is blue

Blues are the most caring, nurturing and protective personalities in the color-spectrum. They live out of their hearts and their emotions. Their life purpose is to serve, help and love others. Blues have an inner knowledge and wisdom and they feel and know what is right without needing facts or data for substantiation. The moment they become quiet inside, they will recognize or hear an inner voice or guidance, which will tell them what to do. They can easily tune into other people and feel precisely what is going on. Blues are the most emotional of all the color personalities. They often feel lost if they don't have the opportunity to clear their way through their intense jungle of deep feelings. Helpful activities for Blues would include talking with friends about their inner life, writing a journal or just being quiet so their intense emotions can calm down.

Quote to Ponder

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” --Ben Okri

LIVE BOLDLY

"Live boldly. Take off those shackles and live life on your own terms.” –Varla Ventura

Enough said...

Application & Effort

"I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.” --Leonardo Da Vinci

I know in my head all kinds of things. I know I should be happy. I know I should exercise. I know I should eat healthy. I know I need to find a way to handle difficult situations without them effecting me negatively. I know...

I try and take the knowledge and apply it. It usually works for a while, and then something happens and it all falls apart. It takes great effort, unceasingly working at it, to continue to apply knowledge. If you hesitate for a moment, you lose the momentum. I feel that is where I am at now. I have lost my momentum and it is all crashing back around me.

So, how do I pick myself back up, brush myself off, and start all over again??? Effort. More effort than I can summon at this moment. I need to give myself time to grieve over lost things...lost loves...lost relationships. When I am ready...it will happen.

Difficult Decisions...Broken Heart

Life is full of difficult decisions we must make. It doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't stop the pain inflicted from the results of those decisions. I made one of them yesterday and it feels like a part of me has been ripped out. How can my heart still be hurting after everything that has happened and that he has done?

I emailed Russ and asked if he saw any reason why our marriage should continue as there is no communication between us. I asked if he would contest a divorce. I don't actually expect to hear back from him anytime soon. He usually refuses to respond to me. Regardless, I believe this whole situation is taking a terrible toll on me. I feel like someone is stabbing me over and over again and that a part of me has been ripped out. I have lost my best friend. Truthfully I lost him a long time ago, but now that I am finally admitting it out loud, it seems a fresh wound. What could have been so wonderful became a disaster.

My trust in men is shaken and I'm not sure I will ever recover now. First Ron, and now Russ. Two very different men, but both liars. How can I ever trust my judgment again? I know I'm far from perfect and I don't expect perfection from others, but I do expect honesty and respect. Two very simple things that appear extremely difficult for men to show to me. It makes me doubt myself. Is it all my fault? Is it really all me instead of partly them? I only know that Russ has hurt me more than any other human ever. Time and again. Over and over I wasn't enough for him. How do you recover from knowing you weren't good enough? In my head I know I did everything I could. In my heart, I feel like a failure and completely unlovable.

So now I go forward, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I know I will be okay, but right now I want to crawl in a hole and cry. It is okay to cry, but there has to come a time when you stop. I thought I had a good hold on the tears, but it was only the depression meds working. Now that I'm off them, the tears are back for what looks like for good.

I usually try and end things on a positive note, but honestly, I have nothing positive in me right now. I know it will come, but it isn't today.