LIVE BOLDLY

"Live boldly. Take off those shackles and live life on your own terms.” –Varla Ventura

Enough said...

Application & Effort

"I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.” --Leonardo Da Vinci

I know in my head all kinds of things. I know I should be happy. I know I should exercise. I know I should eat healthy. I know I need to find a way to handle difficult situations without them effecting me negatively. I know...

I try and take the knowledge and apply it. It usually works for a while, and then something happens and it all falls apart. It takes great effort, unceasingly working at it, to continue to apply knowledge. If you hesitate for a moment, you lose the momentum. I feel that is where I am at now. I have lost my momentum and it is all crashing back around me.

So, how do I pick myself back up, brush myself off, and start all over again??? Effort. More effort than I can summon at this moment. I need to give myself time to grieve over lost things...lost loves...lost relationships. When I am ready...it will happen.

Difficult Decisions...Broken Heart

Life is full of difficult decisions we must make. It doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't stop the pain inflicted from the results of those decisions. I made one of them yesterday and it feels like a part of me has been ripped out. How can my heart still be hurting after everything that has happened and that he has done?

I emailed Russ and asked if he saw any reason why our marriage should continue as there is no communication between us. I asked if he would contest a divorce. I don't actually expect to hear back from him anytime soon. He usually refuses to respond to me. Regardless, I believe this whole situation is taking a terrible toll on me. I feel like someone is stabbing me over and over again and that a part of me has been ripped out. I have lost my best friend. Truthfully I lost him a long time ago, but now that I am finally admitting it out loud, it seems a fresh wound. What could have been so wonderful became a disaster.

My trust in men is shaken and I'm not sure I will ever recover now. First Ron, and now Russ. Two very different men, but both liars. How can I ever trust my judgment again? I know I'm far from perfect and I don't expect perfection from others, but I do expect honesty and respect. Two very simple things that appear extremely difficult for men to show to me. It makes me doubt myself. Is it all my fault? Is it really all me instead of partly them? I only know that Russ has hurt me more than any other human ever. Time and again. Over and over I wasn't enough for him. How do you recover from knowing you weren't good enough? In my head I know I did everything I could. In my heart, I feel like a failure and completely unlovable.

So now I go forward, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I know I will be okay, but right now I want to crawl in a hole and cry. It is okay to cry, but there has to come a time when you stop. I thought I had a good hold on the tears, but it was only the depression meds working. Now that I'm off them, the tears are back for what looks like for good.

I usually try and end things on a positive note, but honestly, I have nothing positive in me right now. I know it will come, but it isn't today.