Life is full of difficult decisions we must make. It doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't stop the pain inflicted from the results of those decisions. I made one of them yesterday and it feels like a part of me has been ripped out. How can my heart still be hurting after everything that has happened and that he has done?
I emailed Russ and asked if he saw any reason why our marriage should continue as there is no communication between us. I asked if he would contest a divorce. I don't actually expect to hear back from him anytime soon. He usually refuses to respond to me. Regardless, I believe this whole situation is taking a terrible toll on me. I feel like someone is stabbing me over and over again and that a part of me has been ripped out. I have lost my best friend. Truthfully I lost him a long time ago, but now that I am finally admitting it out loud, it seems a fresh wound. What could have been so wonderful became a disaster.
My trust in men is shaken and I'm not sure I will ever recover now. First Ron, and now Russ. Two very different men, but both liars. How can I ever trust my judgment again? I know I'm far from perfect and I don't expect perfection from others, but I do expect honesty and respect. Two very simple things that appear extremely difficult for men to show to me. It makes me doubt myself. Is it all my fault? Is it really all me instead of partly them? I only know that Russ has hurt me more than any other human ever. Time and again. Over and over I wasn't enough for him. How do you recover from knowing you weren't good enough? In my head I know I did everything I could. In my heart, I feel like a failure and completely unlovable.
So now I go forward, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I know I will be okay, but right now I want to crawl in a hole and cry. It is okay to cry, but there has to come a time when you stop. I thought I had a good hold on the tears, but it was only the depression meds working. Now that I'm off them, the tears are back for what looks like for good.
I usually try and end things on a positive note, but honestly, I have nothing positive in me right now. I know it will come, but it isn't today.
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2 comments:
Today. Focus on getting through today and then the next. Worry only breeds more worry and I know in addition to hurting right now you are also worried.
God will take care of you and He is the only true place you will find the suppression of the tears and hurt resulting in peace and content.
You are a good person Kelley. You are. You worked so diligently at helping yourself over the last year or so when Russ has been gone and you were trying to work on you so that you could work on the "us" in your marriage. Go back to those things you found helpful. I know you feel to beaten down to even lift your pinkie but it is the only place it can start....with what you learned helped your inner self.
Maybe we need to look into options about the meds...
Begin to fill your time again, slowly but contently, yet allowing yourself the appropriate time for the tears to be shed and a heart to mend.
Most of all, take some time off. It is your time. Your benefit. If it will help, take it.
Your friend always,
Laura
Thanks for the kind words. I know I'll be fine. It is just harder than I expected.
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