Our psyche is unbelievably difficult to understand. No matter how much a person we love hurts us, we seem to go back for more. Even when the time comes that we cut the ties and leave, a part of our hearts misses that person and longs to hear their voice, to touch them, to hold them. Are we imperfect humans just all masochistic? Or is the fear of being alone worse than the hurts delivered by a loved one? Who can know the human heart? Not us mere humans.
I miss him. At least, I miss the good parts, the good times. It is easier to forget the bad when you distance yourself from it. I have to remind myself that it was not all smooth sailing. In fact, it was hurricane storms with my emotions. How much betrayal should one person accept? A charming smile with dimples and warm brandy eyes are not an acceptable trade off.
I struggle with my emotions and long to be off this roller coaster ride. Don't get me wrong, it is much better now, but my heart betrays me with longings and thoughts of what if. Honestly, there are no what ifs because he has no desire to change. There can only be what ifs, if there is change. That is what I have to remember.
I have no doubt I will completely recover. I just hope the recovery process does not drag out. Until all ties are cut, I fear a part of me will continue to allow hurts into my heart. Harsh words, lies, and threats. That is all he knows. When things don't go his way, he turns ruthless and cold. Declining to accept responsibility for his own actions, he blames others (me) for the problems (consequences) he has brought on himself. It is easy to allow others to blame us for their actions and begin to think maybe we are at fault. That is the cornerstone of mental/emotional abuse. Physical abuse is much easier to recognize. Who can deny a bunch in the face and a black eye? Well, other than Rhianna... But those subtle bunches to the heart and brain are harder to identify. What is mental/emotional abuse?
Here is what I found:
Women and men can be verbal abusers.: The following recurring thoughts indicate you are being mentally or emotionally abused by your spouse or lover.
"I had better not tell Harry or he will be mad again."
"I'd better keep this private to avoid being criticized again."
"I can never do anything right with Chris."
"I can't stand it when Erin does that to me."
"Sometimes I think Natalie is tearing me apart with her mouth."
"Bob is always so sarcastic."
"When Pat talks to me like that I feel really small."
All abuse takes a toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most emotional abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.
Emotional abuse can take the form of:
* Extramarital affairs
* Provocative behavior with opposite sex
* Humiliation and put-downs
* Refusal to communicate
* Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice
* Unreasonable jealousy
* Extreme moodiness
* "I love you but..."
* "If you don't shape up, I will..."
* Domination and control
* Withdrawal of affection
All abuse takes a toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless.
In addition, most emotional abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.
Mental abuse is a blow of death to your self-esteem. Often the first step in leaving the abuse is obtaining counseling to rebuild that esteem.
You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.
You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”
If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.
You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?
Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?
When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.
Some of these things might seem so small, but the small things add up. Especially when the person has been through so much already. You can't rationalize and say oh that is all so small, it isn't like he hit you. Abuse is abuse whether it comes in the form of fists or words. Messing with peoples minds and hearts is vile.
I am determined to be mighty. Some ties are cut already. Now is the time to continue cutting them and not look back, though recognizing from time to time I will feel those emotional strings calling to me. For so long I have tried to please someone else to no avail. Now I seek to please myself and my God.
All truths are revealed in time,
and actions do speak louder than words.
The hurt derived when one gives all
and receives little in return is deep.
It cuts to the core of who we are
and makes us doubt ourselves.
Doubt our heart and soul,
while feeling unworthy to be loved.
Time will prove these feelings false
because we are worthy
and deserve love and good things.
Let not others make you feel less,
but rather rise above the negativity.
Seek peace, kindness and happiness.
It will find you and reside within you.
Never doubt~Rise above
Peace be upon you and yours