Application & Effort

"I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.” --Leonardo Da Vinci

I know in my head all kinds of things. I know I should be happy. I know I should exercise. I know I should eat healthy. I know I need to find a way to handle difficult situations without them effecting me negatively. I know...

I try and take the knowledge and apply it. It usually works for a while, and then something happens and it all falls apart. It takes great effort, unceasingly working at it, to continue to apply knowledge. If you hesitate for a moment, you lose the momentum. I feel that is where I am at now. I have lost my momentum and it is all crashing back around me.

So, how do I pick myself back up, brush myself off, and start all over again??? Effort. More effort than I can summon at this moment. I need to give myself time to grieve over lost things...lost loves...lost relationships. When I am ready...it will happen.

Difficult Decisions...Broken Heart

Life is full of difficult decisions we must make. It doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't stop the pain inflicted from the results of those decisions. I made one of them yesterday and it feels like a part of me has been ripped out. How can my heart still be hurting after everything that has happened and that he has done?

I emailed Russ and asked if he saw any reason why our marriage should continue as there is no communication between us. I asked if he would contest a divorce. I don't actually expect to hear back from him anytime soon. He usually refuses to respond to me. Regardless, I believe this whole situation is taking a terrible toll on me. I feel like someone is stabbing me over and over again and that a part of me has been ripped out. I have lost my best friend. Truthfully I lost him a long time ago, but now that I am finally admitting it out loud, it seems a fresh wound. What could have been so wonderful became a disaster.

My trust in men is shaken and I'm not sure I will ever recover now. First Ron, and now Russ. Two very different men, but both liars. How can I ever trust my judgment again? I know I'm far from perfect and I don't expect perfection from others, but I do expect honesty and respect. Two very simple things that appear extremely difficult for men to show to me. It makes me doubt myself. Is it all my fault? Is it really all me instead of partly them? I only know that Russ has hurt me more than any other human ever. Time and again. Over and over I wasn't enough for him. How do you recover from knowing you weren't good enough? In my head I know I did everything I could. In my heart, I feel like a failure and completely unlovable.

So now I go forward, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I know I will be okay, but right now I want to crawl in a hole and cry. It is okay to cry, but there has to come a time when you stop. I thought I had a good hold on the tears, but it was only the depression meds working. Now that I'm off them, the tears are back for what looks like for good.

I usually try and end things on a positive note, but honestly, I have nothing positive in me right now. I know it will come, but it isn't today.

Music, Poetry & Dance

Music soothes the soul,
sending our inner self
into another world
of peace and tranquility.

Poetry expresses
our minds emotions,
organizing our rambled thoughts
into moving words.

Dance frees our mind & body,
allowing us to transform
showing beauty in motion
as we glide, shimmy and pirouette.

Music, Poetry & Dance...
I am moved and move
by these forms to embrace life
and express my mind, body and soul.

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What is the pursuit of happiness?

Think long and hard about this. Is happiness something you pursue, or something that comes from within us? Many times, the more we pursue something, the more elusive it becomes. Stepping back, taking deep breaths, and letting life happen without constantly trying to make things happen might be the first step in allowing the happiness inside ourselves to find its way outside.

Embrace life and happiness, but don't be so intent on the pursuit of it all that you lose yourself and the happiness that comes from within.

Be content.
Be humble.
Be happy.

Let the rest take care of itself.

Twinkling Stars

Stars twinkle in the sky
casting rays of light
here and there
mesmerizing us
with each sparkle.

It is no blinding light
momentarily leaving
us sightless, rather,
it is glimpses of beauty
inspiring us to greatness.

Lifting spirits
for a brief time,
a twinkling star
accomplishes good
with no effort.

As humans, it requires effort
for us to shine and sparkle.
Our shining and sparkling
results in the twinkling effect.
We light up and others notice.

Let your inner beauty
sparkle and shine.
Rise above the gloom
and cast your light
for all to see.

Instead of reaching
for a star, be a star.
Be a twinkling star
inspiring others to greatness.
Twinkle and Shine!

Today...Now...This Minute

Today...now...this minute...It is time for me to put the pedal to the floor and speed forward with my determination to realign my life to the life I want it to be. Eating healthy and exercise are my first steps. That is not just in reference to my body either. I also need to feed my mind healthy material and exercise its mental ability. If my mind and body are healthy, I will feel better and live longer.

I need to get back to the basics: spiritual things, hobbies, being active, music, writing/journaling, and family.
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Daily Affirmations:

I am happy!
I love life!
I will succeed!
I am healthy!

MENTAL & EMOTIONAL

Our psyche is unbelievably difficult to understand. No matter how much a person we love hurts us, we seem to go back for more. Even when the time comes that we cut the ties and leave, a part of our hearts misses that person and longs to hear their voice, to touch them, to hold them. Are we imperfect humans just all masochistic? Or is the fear of being alone worse than the hurts delivered by a loved one? Who can know the human heart? Not us mere humans.

I miss him. At least, I miss the good parts, the good times. It is easier to forget the bad when you distance yourself from it. I have to remind myself that it was not all smooth sailing. In fact, it was hurricane storms with my emotions. How much betrayal should one person accept? A charming smile with dimples and warm brandy eyes are not an acceptable trade off.

I struggle with my emotions and long to be off this roller coaster ride. Don't get me wrong, it is much better now, but my heart betrays me with longings and thoughts of what if. Honestly, there are no what ifs because he has no desire to change. There can only be what ifs, if there is change. That is what I have to remember.

I have no doubt I will completely recover. I just hope the recovery process does not drag out. Until all ties are cut, I fear a part of me will continue to allow hurts into my heart. Harsh words, lies, and threats. That is all he knows. When things don't go his way, he turns ruthless and cold. Declining to accept responsibility for his own actions, he blames others (me) for the problems (consequences) he has brought on himself. It is easy to allow others to blame us for their actions and begin to think maybe we are at fault. That is the cornerstone of mental/emotional abuse. Physical abuse is much easier to recognize. Who can deny a bunch in the face and a black eye? Well, other than Rhianna... But those subtle bunches to the heart and brain are harder to identify. What is mental/emotional abuse?

Here is what I found:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_Mental_Abuse

Women and men can be verbal abusers.: The following recurring thoughts indicate you are being mentally or emotionally abused by your spouse or lover.

"I had better not tell Harry or he will be mad again."

"I'd better keep this private to avoid being criticized again."

"I can never do anything right with Chris."

"I can't stand it when Erin does that to me."

"Sometimes I think Natalie is tearing me apart with her mouth."

"Bob is always so sarcastic."

"When Pat talks to me like that I feel really small."

All abuse takes a toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most emotional abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

Emotional abuse can take the form of:

* Extramarital affairs

* Provocative behavior with opposite sex

* Humiliation and put-downs

* Hypercriticism

* Refusal to communicate

* Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice

* Unreasonable jealousy

* Extreme moodiness

* "I love you but..."

* "If you don't shape up, I will..."

* Domination and control

* Withdrawal of affection

All abuse takes a toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless.

In addition, most emotional abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

Mental abuse is a blow of death to your self-esteem. Often the first step in leaving the abuse is obtaining counseling to rebuild that esteem.
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http://ezinearticles.com/?Mental-Abuse---The-7-Most-Important-Things-To-Know&id=60849

You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”

If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.

You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?

Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?

When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.

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Some of these things might seem so small, but the small things add up. Especially when the person has been through so much already. You can't rationalize and say oh that is all so small, it isn't like he hit you. Abuse is abuse whether it comes in the form of fists or words. Messing with peoples minds and hearts is vile.

I am determined to be mighty. Some ties are cut already. Now is the time to continue cutting them and not look back, though recognizing from time to time I will feel those emotional strings calling to me. For so long I have tried to please someone else to no avail. Now I seek to please myself and my God.

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All truths are revealed in time,
and actions do speak louder than words.
The hurt derived when one gives all
and receives little in return is deep.
It cuts to the core of who we are
and makes us doubt ourselves.
Doubt our heart and soul,
while feeling unworthy to be loved.
Time will prove these feelings false
because we are worthy
and deserve love and good things.
Let not others make you feel less,
but rather rise above the negativity.
Seek peace, kindness and happiness.
It will find you and reside within you.

Never doubt~Rise above
Peace be upon you and yours
Happy Journey!

Special Day

Today is the equivalent of the 1st Century calendar day Nissan 14th. This is the day Jesus Christ instituted the memorial of his death with the Lord's Evening Meal. Reflecting on what Jehovah God provided for us at such a great cost as the death of His son helps us to truly appreciate this wonderful gift of life, prayer and the wonderful hope for our future. Only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ do we have hope. He bought back what mankind had lost because of the rebellion of Adam and Eve.

Today is a day of thanksgiving. Thanks be to Jehovah God and Jesus Christ.