Extraordinary

"In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary." ~ Aaron Rose

I believe this. Even small, seemingly insignificant things can become extraordinary. I see it happening daily right now and I make sure to be grateful and show appreciation for them. Life has not been kind in many ways, but I am optimistic about the future. Baby steps, one day at a time. Love will find a way because Love is extraordinary!

He's Coming Home

He is finally coming home. The weekend was an emotional rollercoaster for us both, but it resulted in him leaving this morning to start his trek home. We have much to work through and it won't be easy, but it is possible. I think we have both learned a great deal about ourselves during this separation and have made changes that I never thought we would. That alone is a miracle.

Miracles

A miracle has happened. Russ and I were able to finally break through our communication barriers and discuss our life, our problems, our wants and needs. He is coming home. For the first time I look to the future with hope and confidence. I'm not sure why we had to go through such agonizing heartbreak to the brink of no return before we could reach the place where we were ready. I just wish now that he would hurry home as we have wasted so much time.

Uncertainty and Truth

Well, where to start. Life continues to be a roller coaster ride and I have motion sickness. That probably sums it up the best. Being positive and knowing the best way to handle things doesn't always mean that you will maintain that positive attitude and make the best decisions.

I am drowning in a pool of uncertainty and struggle with whether I have made the right or best decisions. My hearts says I love him and I can't seem to live without him in my life. I miss his voice, his smile (those dimples), his touch. Is it too late? He has found someone else and has started a relationship with her that seems very intimate. Yet, when we talk he seems so unhappy and says he misses our life. Am I a fool? I do know I am confused and completely miserable and falling apart.

What is the truth? There is my truth, his truth and the truth others see when they look in. I wish someone could look into a mirror of the future and tell me what truth now will lead to happiness for us both? Is his happiness with her? Where is my happiness? I want it to be with him, but it never seemed he wanted it to be with me. I just want truth, honesty and openness. Does it hurt so much very worse to be honest??? I value that over all else. It hurts less in the end.

Which color is your aura?

Which color is your aura?

My result is blue

Blues are the most caring, nurturing and protective personalities in the color-spectrum. They live out of their hearts and their emotions. Their life purpose is to serve, help and love others. Blues have an inner knowledge and wisdom and they feel and know what is right without needing facts or data for substantiation. The moment they become quiet inside, they will recognize or hear an inner voice or guidance, which will tell them what to do. They can easily tune into other people and feel precisely what is going on. Blues are the most emotional of all the color personalities. They often feel lost if they don't have the opportunity to clear their way through their intense jungle of deep feelings. Helpful activities for Blues would include talking with friends about their inner life, writing a journal or just being quiet so their intense emotions can calm down.

Quote to Ponder

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” --Ben Okri

LIVE BOLDLY

"Live boldly. Take off those shackles and live life on your own terms.” –Varla Ventura

Enough said...

Application & Effort

"I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.” --Leonardo Da Vinci

I know in my head all kinds of things. I know I should be happy. I know I should exercise. I know I should eat healthy. I know I need to find a way to handle difficult situations without them effecting me negatively. I know...

I try and take the knowledge and apply it. It usually works for a while, and then something happens and it all falls apart. It takes great effort, unceasingly working at it, to continue to apply knowledge. If you hesitate for a moment, you lose the momentum. I feel that is where I am at now. I have lost my momentum and it is all crashing back around me.

So, how do I pick myself back up, brush myself off, and start all over again??? Effort. More effort than I can summon at this moment. I need to give myself time to grieve over lost things...lost loves...lost relationships. When I am ready...it will happen.

Difficult Decisions...Broken Heart

Life is full of difficult decisions we must make. It doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't stop the pain inflicted from the results of those decisions. I made one of them yesterday and it feels like a part of me has been ripped out. How can my heart still be hurting after everything that has happened and that he has done?

I emailed Russ and asked if he saw any reason why our marriage should continue as there is no communication between us. I asked if he would contest a divorce. I don't actually expect to hear back from him anytime soon. He usually refuses to respond to me. Regardless, I believe this whole situation is taking a terrible toll on me. I feel like someone is stabbing me over and over again and that a part of me has been ripped out. I have lost my best friend. Truthfully I lost him a long time ago, but now that I am finally admitting it out loud, it seems a fresh wound. What could have been so wonderful became a disaster.

My trust in men is shaken and I'm not sure I will ever recover now. First Ron, and now Russ. Two very different men, but both liars. How can I ever trust my judgment again? I know I'm far from perfect and I don't expect perfection from others, but I do expect honesty and respect. Two very simple things that appear extremely difficult for men to show to me. It makes me doubt myself. Is it all my fault? Is it really all me instead of partly them? I only know that Russ has hurt me more than any other human ever. Time and again. Over and over I wasn't enough for him. How do you recover from knowing you weren't good enough? In my head I know I did everything I could. In my heart, I feel like a failure and completely unlovable.

So now I go forward, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I know I will be okay, but right now I want to crawl in a hole and cry. It is okay to cry, but there has to come a time when you stop. I thought I had a good hold on the tears, but it was only the depression meds working. Now that I'm off them, the tears are back for what looks like for good.

I usually try and end things on a positive note, but honestly, I have nothing positive in me right now. I know it will come, but it isn't today.

Music, Poetry & Dance

Music soothes the soul,
sending our inner self
into another world
of peace and tranquility.

Poetry expresses
our minds emotions,
organizing our rambled thoughts
into moving words.

Dance frees our mind & body,
allowing us to transform
showing beauty in motion
as we glide, shimmy and pirouette.

Music, Poetry & Dance...
I am moved and move
by these forms to embrace life
and express my mind, body and soul.

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What is the pursuit of happiness?

Think long and hard about this. Is happiness something you pursue, or something that comes from within us? Many times, the more we pursue something, the more elusive it becomes. Stepping back, taking deep breaths, and letting life happen without constantly trying to make things happen might be the first step in allowing the happiness inside ourselves to find its way outside.

Embrace life and happiness, but don't be so intent on the pursuit of it all that you lose yourself and the happiness that comes from within.

Be content.
Be humble.
Be happy.

Let the rest take care of itself.

Twinkling Stars

Stars twinkle in the sky
casting rays of light
here and there
mesmerizing us
with each sparkle.

It is no blinding light
momentarily leaving
us sightless, rather,
it is glimpses of beauty
inspiring us to greatness.

Lifting spirits
for a brief time,
a twinkling star
accomplishes good
with no effort.

As humans, it requires effort
for us to shine and sparkle.
Our shining and sparkling
results in the twinkling effect.
We light up and others notice.

Let your inner beauty
sparkle and shine.
Rise above the gloom
and cast your light
for all to see.

Instead of reaching
for a star, be a star.
Be a twinkling star
inspiring others to greatness.
Twinkle and Shine!

Today...Now...This Minute

Today...now...this minute...It is time for me to put the pedal to the floor and speed forward with my determination to realign my life to the life I want it to be. Eating healthy and exercise are my first steps. That is not just in reference to my body either. I also need to feed my mind healthy material and exercise its mental ability. If my mind and body are healthy, I will feel better and live longer.

I need to get back to the basics: spiritual things, hobbies, being active, music, writing/journaling, and family.
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Daily Affirmations:

I am happy!
I love life!
I will succeed!
I am healthy!

MENTAL & EMOTIONAL

Our psyche is unbelievably difficult to understand. No matter how much a person we love hurts us, we seem to go back for more. Even when the time comes that we cut the ties and leave, a part of our hearts misses that person and longs to hear their voice, to touch them, to hold them. Are we imperfect humans just all masochistic? Or is the fear of being alone worse than the hurts delivered by a loved one? Who can know the human heart? Not us mere humans.

I miss him. At least, I miss the good parts, the good times. It is easier to forget the bad when you distance yourself from it. I have to remind myself that it was not all smooth sailing. In fact, it was hurricane storms with my emotions. How much betrayal should one person accept? A charming smile with dimples and warm brandy eyes are not an acceptable trade off.

I struggle with my emotions and long to be off this roller coaster ride. Don't get me wrong, it is much better now, but my heart betrays me with longings and thoughts of what if. Honestly, there are no what ifs because he has no desire to change. There can only be what ifs, if there is change. That is what I have to remember.

I have no doubt I will completely recover. I just hope the recovery process does not drag out. Until all ties are cut, I fear a part of me will continue to allow hurts into my heart. Harsh words, lies, and threats. That is all he knows. When things don't go his way, he turns ruthless and cold. Declining to accept responsibility for his own actions, he blames others (me) for the problems (consequences) he has brought on himself. It is easy to allow others to blame us for their actions and begin to think maybe we are at fault. That is the cornerstone of mental/emotional abuse. Physical abuse is much easier to recognize. Who can deny a bunch in the face and a black eye? Well, other than Rhianna... But those subtle bunches to the heart and brain are harder to identify. What is mental/emotional abuse?

Here is what I found:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_Mental_Abuse

Women and men can be verbal abusers.: The following recurring thoughts indicate you are being mentally or emotionally abused by your spouse or lover.

"I had better not tell Harry or he will be mad again."

"I'd better keep this private to avoid being criticized again."

"I can never do anything right with Chris."

"I can't stand it when Erin does that to me."

"Sometimes I think Natalie is tearing me apart with her mouth."

"Bob is always so sarcastic."

"When Pat talks to me like that I feel really small."

All abuse takes a toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most emotional abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

Emotional abuse can take the form of:

* Extramarital affairs

* Provocative behavior with opposite sex

* Humiliation and put-downs

* Hypercriticism

* Refusal to communicate

* Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice

* Unreasonable jealousy

* Extreme moodiness

* "I love you but..."

* "If you don't shape up, I will..."

* Domination and control

* Withdrawal of affection

All abuse takes a toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless.

In addition, most emotional abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

Mental abuse is a blow of death to your self-esteem. Often the first step in leaving the abuse is obtaining counseling to rebuild that esteem.
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http://ezinearticles.com/?Mental-Abuse---The-7-Most-Important-Things-To-Know&id=60849

You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”

If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.

You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?

Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?

When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.

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Some of these things might seem so small, but the small things add up. Especially when the person has been through so much already. You can't rationalize and say oh that is all so small, it isn't like he hit you. Abuse is abuse whether it comes in the form of fists or words. Messing with peoples minds and hearts is vile.

I am determined to be mighty. Some ties are cut already. Now is the time to continue cutting them and not look back, though recognizing from time to time I will feel those emotional strings calling to me. For so long I have tried to please someone else to no avail. Now I seek to please myself and my God.

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All truths are revealed in time,
and actions do speak louder than words.
The hurt derived when one gives all
and receives little in return is deep.
It cuts to the core of who we are
and makes us doubt ourselves.
Doubt our heart and soul,
while feeling unworthy to be loved.
Time will prove these feelings false
because we are worthy
and deserve love and good things.
Let not others make you feel less,
but rather rise above the negativity.
Seek peace, kindness and happiness.
It will find you and reside within you.

Never doubt~Rise above
Peace be upon you and yours
Happy Journey!

Special Day

Today is the equivalent of the 1st Century calendar day Nissan 14th. This is the day Jesus Christ instituted the memorial of his death with the Lord's Evening Meal. Reflecting on what Jehovah God provided for us at such a great cost as the death of His son helps us to truly appreciate this wonderful gift of life, prayer and the wonderful hope for our future. Only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ do we have hope. He bought back what mankind had lost because of the rebellion of Adam and Eve.

Today is a day of thanksgiving. Thanks be to Jehovah God and Jesus Christ.

Today~Tomorrow~Forever!

Today is a new day
filled with challenges,
hope, dreams, love
and happiness from within.

Tomorrow will come
when it is ready
and I will be here
ready to face it.

Forever awaits me,
but I am not afraid.
I am prepared and
excited at the possibilities.

Today, tomorrow, forever...
Each step of my journey
leads me to my destination,
inner peace and happiness.

Never will I stop
Dreaming,
Hoping, and Believing!
Will you?

Dream~Hope~Believe!

Thankful Thursday

I have much in my life to be thankful for each day. However, it is easy to forget to thank God for these priceless gifts and blessings. As imperfect humans, we will always have problems, illness, sadness, obstacles and other matters that we aren't so thankful about. What matters is if we dwell on these things, or find the thankful things to remember. Positive attitudes, dwelling on the choices we can make in our lives, and affirming the good things in our life will lead to inner peace and happiness.

I am thankful for life!
I am thankful for my children!
I am thankful for my sisters!
I am thankful for God Jehovah!
I am thankful I have a job!
I am thankful for friends!
I am thankful for the beautiful planet, the sun, stars and flowers!

Appreciate the beauty around you and stop to smell the flowers. Don't let life rush by you, but rush to enjoy life one moment at a time!

Dream~Hope~Believe!

Mighty Monday

Mighty...this is a word we rarely hear these days. Mighty means having, or characterized by, or showing superior power or strength to overcome obstacles to accomplish a goal. Are you mighty?

M - Magnify
I - Imitate
G - God
H - Having
T - Tested
Y - Yourself

Be Mighty in God's work!

Today's Affirmations:

I am Mighty!
I am Strong!
I am invincible!

Happy Journey!

Today...Tomorrow

Today is a good day. Though my body has aches and pains, I feel good mentally and emotionally. I am happy in my new place and am having the most fantastic time turning it into my peaceful haven. I love coming home to it each day. Resolve is in my heart to maintain this peaceful haven each day. I even love the sound of the rain as it hits the parking cover and the apartment roof. It soothes and relaxes. My neighbors are quiet and I have no problems with it all to speak of yet.

Tomorrow will be tough. I go back to the other place to organize, clean and move a few more items. It will be an all day project by myself. My allergies are going to hate it!! The very good thing about it is that I will be able to come home to my haven.

My haven is home
tranquil and serene.
Relaxation and meditation
are my scene.

Life moves on
my journey grows.
winding thru pathways
and shifting with the flow.

Stable and safe
are words I treasure.
In them I take
the utmost pleasure.

Tranquility descends
encompassing me whole.
Happiness and Inner Peace
has found my soul.

Sunshine of My Life!

What time period of your life are you in? I've decided I am in the sunshine of my life. I've come through the rain storms and the sun is shining brightly. I still have an exciting part of my life ahead and many new experiences awaiting me. My future is bright. It is up to me to seek out the light and turn an umbrella on the times it rains. A main portion of my journey is for inner peace and happiness. Much of that will be due to putting God first and seeking His Kingdom. The peace of God that excels all thought will embrace me if I allow it. He makes our pathways bright and guides us towards the fullest life there is possible.
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DREAM of Sunshine!
HOPE for the Best and the Sun to Shine!
BELIEVE in God and Yourself!
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Brighter days are ahead
drawing me near to the light.
Comfort I find in spiritual matters
providing spiritual insight.

Counsel I seek
in finding inner peace.
Allowing these negative
emotions to release.

Happiness grows inside
spreading to all around.
I share my inner journey...
I was lost and now I'm found.

Dream~Hope~Believe!

FAMILY & JOURNEYS

This past weekend was about family and journeys. Family has always been important to me. I've lost many of my close family and miss them tremendously. I lost my father when I was nine years old and my mother when I was twenty-six. I call myself an orphan because even though I am grown, I am still a child inside without a mother or father. I do have sisters though. Two sisters who mean the world to me. They have been here for me through this trying time and have been the greatest of support. My nieces have also been wonderful and caring. More so than I could have imagined. While my children are going through their own journeys, they are here for me and were a huge help and support for me this past weekend.

My family was there to assist me in moving to my new apartment. The move took its toll on me physically and emotionally. Leaving a part of your life behind is never easy. The best you can do is learn from it and vow to not make the same mistakes again. I married to share my journey, my life with someone I loved. It did not work out that way. My journey was here, and his turned out to be elsewhere with no desire to be included in mine. My journey continues along a new path, new direction now. My family is with me on it. It would not be the same without them. In the past I held my self back from allowing them to really help me. Now I have learned to lean on others in time of need. This was my time. I'm not afraid to face this new journey because I know they are there with me and will lift me up if I fall.

While I face this new beginning or variation in pathways with confidence, I am still struggling with the emotions of yesterday. Anxiety, stress, depression are there under the surface bidding their time until I am weak and they can pull me down into the mire again. It is imperative that I keep on watch for the signals and search out inner peace and happiness. With God's help and my family I know that I will maintain my course.

I found a new website on anxiety relief. It reaffirmed things I already knew and explained deeper meanings of the whys. The important relief mechanisms are:

Meditation
Creative Visualization
Diet - Healthy!!!
Hydration - Water! Water! Water! No Caffeine!
Exercise
Support Network

The website also mentioned these things:

*Water is good for more than drinking. Bathe, shower or swim in it!

*Clean your bedroom - Your bedroom is your womb and it needs to be a place in which to nurture yourself.

*Eat small amounts throughout the day - blood sugar levels drop and leave you tired and irritable.

*Have a glass of wine-don't get drunk.

*Make a "Feel Good CD

*Light - Your brain needs sunlight and dark. Lack of sunlight can cause depression. Lack of darkness can interfere with sleep.

*Pity Party for One-a good old fashioned cry. Then restore yourself.

*Dance Naked-Make sure you are alone.

*Hum or Chant - internal vibration is like gently shaking your internal energies and is a great way to breathe.

*Play - Have fun.

*Get to the Beach or out of the City.

excerpts from Sonya Green

THIS & THAT...

THIS is my time! My Life! I am ready to make a difference in who I am, where I am going and what I am doing. It starts NOW! My new apartment is going to reflect ME and provide a peaceful haven from THAT...

THAT was my life filled with loneliness, negativity, pain, regret, doubts and lies. It's time is over and will be put away as a learning experience. There were good times mixed in with the bad. Sadly, the good was not enough to outweigh the bad.

Why the Tinkerbell picture, you may ask... Tink is a shinning light providing assistance and hope if you just believe. We all believe in something. The importance of what we believe is our decision. I believe in God Jehovah. I believe in ME. I believe in close friends. I believe in happiness. I believe you should Dream, Hope & Believe!

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Wednesday's Affirmations:

I will handle frustrations in a calm, patient manner!
I am centered with my priorities straight!
I deserve respect!
I am strong and mighty!

Focus & Find

Today I ponder my mission to focus on ME and find my way on my journey. My path is curvy and filled with obstacles and hurdles. This only increases the challenge and tests my strength and determination. I will choose to view these as positives instead of negatives. With every hurdle I clear, I will have won a victory. Every obstacle I maneuver around will be an accomplishment of which I can be proud. It is MY LIFE, MY JOURNEY.

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Tuesday's Affirmations:

I am strong!
I am determined!
Peace and calm are with me!
I deserve good things and to be happy!

Endings & Beginnings

Though one door of my life is closing, another is opening. Time has come for me to take care of ME and focus on my priorities and the important things. I will make the most of this new beginning and finally enjoy life. I will pursue peace and happiness. My spirituality and relationship with God is of utmost importance. Peace and happiness will follow if I put God first in my life. The peace of God excels all things.

New Beginnings Life Plan for ME!

1. Relationship with God: Pray, study Bible, attend meetings regularly, preaching activity.

2. Health: Exercise regularly, eat healthy and watch portion size.

3. Hobbies: Keep busy with things that interest me.

4. Positive Attitude: There is no place for negativity. Maintain positive energy and look for the good in situations.

5. Good Work Ethic: Give my best efforts at work and let the small things go. I am happy to have a job.

6. Organized & Clean: As soon as I move into my new place, I will organize carefully and keep everything in its place. It will be clean and welcoming at all times. My home will be a peaceful haven I can relax in and enjoy.

7. Live Simply: I will manage my budget carefully and not spend money unwisely or without thought. I will not eat out all the time and will bring my healthy lunch to work on most days.

8. Relaxation & DeStressing: I will take time to relax and de-stress with music, techniques, aromatherapy.

9. Daily Affirmations: Write my affirmations regarding good things about myself and my life.

10. Journal Daily: Never forget to write my thoughts and feelings each day. It helps me to see an overview of my life and where I am at on my journey through it. Bottling feelings inside leads to emotional distress which manifest themselves physically. Journaling releases those negative emotions and allows me to focus on the truths and positive things.

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS:
*I am strong!
*I will excel today!
*I feel calm!
*I am happy!

Dream~Hope~Believe!

Live your life with love
seeking peace and happiness.

Let selfishness fade
and promote consideration.

Never make others
feel abandoned or neglected.

Always be willing to communicate
without forgetting to listen.

When you listen,
listen with your heart.

Recognize others emotions
and validate them.

Realize the value of others...
They are worth more than money.

Never let finances
come before love.

Always dream ________

Always hope _________

Always believe _______

You must fill in the blanks...